The Most Precious Angel. - Ellie Edna Moore

Little Ellie Edna Moore

This is one of the hardest Heart- breaking posts il ever post.

on  the 27th of may 2017 I went into you pau for monitoring 10am, after ben working a night shift and having maybe a couple hours Kip, I woke him to run me up to the hospital and watch Carly until I was finished they went to smyths and went home, got there a little early sat in the waiting room, got called in very quickly maybe because it was just me and maybe 2 other ladies waiting either that or because it was a Saturday I'd never had an appointment there on a Saturday, midwife wasn't very nice on this day she seemed grumpy or had something on her mind, pulled my top on ready for the monitors to be placed on, Ellie didn't like the monitors either that or she was always laying in a weird position after around 20/25mins of being on the monitors the midwife came back she asked why it the heart beat had dropped I had no idea why? but ellie was moving more than she did before. but I did need a wee so off I went got back to the room placed myself back on the monitor's and started the paper rolling through the machine after what felt like forever the midwife came back on saying 'oh you placed yourself back on again' well I did because I wanted to make sure everything was okay. she was sending me home and booking me in again for Monday (29/05/17) I phoned ben to pick me up around 11:30am, he did. we dropped Carly off with my mum with a happy meal and I got one too really wanted a cheese-burger for some reason. dropped me off at work and I know that dawn was waiting for me she said I looked terrible and I shouldn't be working, Well I needed the money for bits for ellie I hadn't brought yet,was at work till 5:30pm mopped and dragged the tables and chairs in and went home. mum dropped carly back and stayed for tea we went for a walk and I said I needed to go home I didn't feel 100% I was tired it had been a long day. cleaned up and sat on Carlys Bed and cried because I had shouted at her for not listening and apologised and was telling her about Ellie how pretty their room was going to be when it was finished and she didn't have that long left to cook. she kissed me and my belly goodnight, I got into bed not long after I got on top of the bed and folded the quilt over me and had put the fan on instead of the TV because I was shattered hot & cold. after 5-10mins of laying there I felt something it was wet. I got up and noticed it was blood grabbed my phone it was out of battery. went to the bathroom and it just kept coming. get my phone on as quick as I could. phoned ben as much as I could but I didn't have time phoned my mum to pack me and bag and get there as quick as she could, text earl to go get my mum and bring her here, phoned ben, the superiors number then Di. told di to phone ben and tell him I need him home now! ben called be back not long after told him and he was coming home told earl to take me because I didn't have that much time, i'm scared I prayed for my little girl to be okay. Not long after arriving ben was there in room 17, got on the bed monitors were on and they cant find her heart beat a portal scan machine was in our room within seconds, the said the machine wasn't that good and told us to go to the main scan room, felt like forever to get there the midwife didn't know where she was going, got the scan room (Cathy the main scan lady)got on the bed and my heart was breaking getting on the bed, the put the jelly on my belly and looked at the screen and said the word you never as a parent want to hear, 'I'm sorry' there isn't a heart beat. I sunk, I shattered, I broke hearing those words, I asked so quickly check again, no he said I'm sorry your baby is dead. No I cried, I don't believe it, I was taken back, back to room 17,got on the bed and was told to wait to hear what the doctor had to say he said I was 3cm dilated to induce me through a drip, that's what they did I'm still pissing out blood and I was scared, couldn't stop crying nor could ben. the midwife Racheal Jordan was upping the drip every 30mins, holding my tummy to see how far apart my contractions were I was asked if I wanted pain relief I wanted to feel the pain all of it, diane and daniel was in the carpark ben had gone out to them and dawn came into the hospital room I told her to leave as it didn't feel right her being there. I started to get to pushing stage and I needed something my body was giving up, it was time to push.  Our tiny baby was born at 03.34am on the 28/05/17 weighing 3lb1oz.. I still had hope she'd cry but she didn't the room was quiet. ben cut her cord and she was placed on my chest I cried so much hoping that you was okay, my heart broke she's so perfect, but why? why has this happened she was fine when I left this morning? I wished her happy birthday and told her I loved her, ben had a cuddle and I got another drip put in, we got her dressed into a pink set and a hat, the midwifes took her away to do her hand and foot prints and a little lock of her hair. I fell asleep with Ellie on me ben fell asleep in a chair. I woke up I hoping it was going up wake up from a dream, it didn't. ben went to get Carly and my mum and I got time to be mummy for a little bit, Ben arrived back with Carly and my mum, Carly Met Ellie for the first time, I told Carly not to be scared but that Ellie wasn't how she should be. she climbed on the bed and said is this Ellie, We replied yes, she hold Ellies little hand and cried. we all cried. I broke even more inside. this isn't how it should be. she cuddled Ellie and told her se loved her sung her the songs she used to sing whilst she was in my tummy, BaaBaa Rainbow sheep, and this little piggy she said Ellie was smelly because that what we said her nick name would be gave her lovely little kisses. Mum Came in and had a cuddle cried said she was beautiful. Ellie is beautiful. more than perfect. we was told if we wanted visitors they could come whenever. my mum left and let us spend time as a family I phoned Jessie a million time so it felt no answer. phone Leanne and asked how she coped, Leanne knew from them very words. and said she'd come to the hospital, Diane and Daniel were next to meet Ellie, Daniel Broke at the door I could see the pain in his eyes as he broke down in tears, they cuddled. Clair Came next though Jay dropped her off and was taking the boys to a birthday party. Clair, Carly and I  waited for Sarah I wanted to give ben time with his parents with Ellie. Carly picked flowers for Ellie whilst we was outside. Sarah phone to say we'd be awhile. we headed in and within seconds Leanne,Ady and Jessie was at the hospital. I sobbed whilst in the arms my of sisters. this world is so cruel. we all had cuddles, and Sarah turned up I went to sit outside again, it didn't feel real because it shouldn't of been happening like this. daniel took Carly back with them and me and ben stayed at the hospital, we cuddled on the bed with Ellie. sobbed our hearts out, why couldn't I do anything I should be protecting her but I cant do nothing not not a thing. ben fell to sleep and I held ellie sang small bump and told her so many time she was so loved. we got Ellie Blessed a man in the faith room did it, and the doctor came and filled in lots of paper work and asked what we was going to do, we want to arrange the funeral our self's, no post mortem, the sent the placenta away to be tested on, waiting for test results to come back about my iron and was asked if I wanted a blood transfusion I didn't want one. waited on iron tables and was discharged I didn't want to leave Ellie she should be coming home, wrapped her up kissed her as much as I could we told her we loved her and left the room. heart-breaking.  I walked in the hospital with everything I left with nothing empty arms and a broken heart. daniel drove us home, we got given a box a box for ellies things, I sat it on my knee all the way home but its not where I wanted to be I wanted to be with ellie I didn't want to leave her by herself all cold and lonely. I missed her the second we left. I didn't want to sleep that night I wanted my baby I was empty my belly was empty my arms were empty. I couldn't understand why this had happened. she was/ is so wanted. so loved.
my beautiful angel Ellie Edna Moore.

My first baby - Carly Jo Moore.

Carly Jo Moore.

 

  my pregnancy with Carly wasn't brilliant, problems after problems, early scan because I didn't know how far gone I was I found out pretty early my first scan was at 8 weeks, got to my 12 week scan and was taken into another room the fluid behind her neck was bigger than it should be got talked through what the possibilities were down syndrome etc. it didn't bother me she's my child I don't care after extra chromosomes we got asked if we wanted to get rid of the baby Hell no Carly was due on the 18th of April 2012. me & my mum went for a early gender scan next to find out she was much a girl we went straight into town  to buy girlie bits I remember the first thing I brought a vest with a printing of dungarees straps on little trousers and a hat, we had brought pretty much everything but clothes at this point, pushchair, nursery furniture. I didn't tell ben about the scan. 20week scan did normal check ups she was on the small side and they mentioned something to do with her heart(scary) but Ben found out she was a girl! we already had Carly picked out I she was a girl then just to pick out her middle name, Jo - short for Joanna my sister who was born still. it fit perfectly Carly jo Moore <3 I had lots of scan with Carly to make sure her growth and everything was okay, the 19th of April I was given a sweep and was told I was 2/3cm dilate (ekk it all seemed real I could go into labour soon!) Carly didn't really move much in my belly but I just put that down to her being small. on the 23rd of April, I noticed there was no movement at all, phoned the hospital to be monitored I was 5 days late no sign of her coming, headed up to the hospital and was put on the machine, not longer after the lady looked at the readings  and sent me into another room, a scan room Cathy the lady was called, my fluid was low she told me that she weighed about 7lb  though wow no way my belly was only tiny. I was told not to leave the hospital and that I was being induced that day! I was so excited but nervous at the same time, I phoned ben but knowing he was at work, I phoned Diane (bens mum) to get ben to phone me asap, he called me back and his dad was coming to pick me up I needed to do my hospital bag!! very unprepared! went home and got a biscuit and did my bag and off we went I knew I was coming home with my baby girl! we went back and was taken into the labour ward. I was given a bed to sit on and we waited for the doctor. he checked to see how dilated I was and tried to pop my waters and failed. he put the pessary in and was told to walk around. we went up into the hospital café and shared a plate of chips which were horrible. I needed a wee before going anywhere else ben went to the toilet too. as I went for a wee I got a pain, I was waiting outside the toilets waiting for ben and the pains didn't go we walked back down to the labour ward and waited I got pains in my back and ben was rubbing it trying to make it ease the pain it got to 9:30pm ish ben had to leave the nurse asked him to go, I went for another wee and laid on the floor it was cold and it felt like it helped maybe it didn't but I laid there anywho, a midwife came into the room and asked if I was okay I said yes but the pressure was kicking in. bam they took me into another room and someone phoned ben he got there was as I was giving birth to carly, a lady got white gloves on and had a scalpel  in her hands I remember shouting 'what you doing' she was going to cut me, I told her I could push but it was too late she cut me back to front (TMI) and a couple of pushes later carly was born. she cried and was given to ben the midwife spent 2 hours stitching me up but I got to hold carly I wished her a happy birthday and told her I loved her they were the first thing I said to her.we sent everyone a text to say that carly born because we didn't tell the whole family.  I remember staring at her all night. she didn't cry once but all her clothes were too big. ben went home and said he'd come back after his driving lesson in the morning and everyone came they brought smaller clothes that fit better than new born. I came home that following day the luckiest mummy in the world.

about me.

Hi,
I'm Tiffany, Tiff if you please, I'm 23 years old, mother of two, Carly aged 5, Ellie who was born sleeping at 31weeks6days, one of the worse days you could ever imagine( see post) I have a partner called Ben, Frank the French Bull dog. there's not much to tell you about myself. I'm just your 'normal' type of girl trying to make sense of the world.